never understood dropouts: fucking fail & grin. but now? lizzy sits dumb-struck in her desk; the chalkboard littered with statistics. my teacher stands back-straight, assward before the crowd. he speaks little to none, too busy scribbling shit noone but him understands. i struggle to pay attention. skull clamped. this “F” on every test isnt a choice, shoulder shrug eh okay who wants a c- anyway? rather, my body rejects this shit. i sit in the dean's office trying to explain its all chinese to me. the dean's busy eating a peach, picking pulp from his teeth. not listening to a word i've said, he says oh you'll just have retake it that's all. something, somewhere in me unhinges: even if i retake the class, i wont fucking pass! listen--i'm desperate as. can't even finish the sentence.

just got off the phone with boy from the party. four fucking hours!

is this a friend-thing? i mean, i dont want to go & get a crush on another bearded fuck just to have it turn handshake.

dirty hair & rum. apartment--shivered up. above, someone cooks with curry. below, the blitz of a t.v. screen. i like to imagine my neighbors sleepless. collective effort. team bloodshot eyes, sun as a ball of fisted light. midnight, i wait for their movement, any stifled breath, skin shift across fabric. silence. am left with my dull body, fat cat, window overlooking nothing but distance.

whiskey plus water. movie theater. dont watch the screen. or listen. i person place thing. the boy next to me's catholic. the girl next to him’s picking her skin. when the film's finished, we walk home. a cold wind, starfucked sky. clusters of empty light fighting with the moon for shine time. when we reach b's doorstep, he begscome on, elizabeth come on inside. shaking my head yes requires more effort than no.

back at the apartment: cat shit in the kitchen. a cold bed, cigarette. my sister saying fuck as she slams her door shut.